Too Asexy for my Shorts

A Casualty.

2011-04-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

It seems to be a little of a trend that many blogs on asexuality end up drifting towards gender-realted topics, or at least exploring the intersection of gender and sexuality, and this blog hasn't really been the exception. However, I'm sort of loathe to make this a permanent Thing - gender is something I'm sort of hesitant to speak about, because although I'm much more genderweird than a 'properly cis person', it's something I want to let lie for a bit.

However, whenever I sit down to write a post, I feel like that is the only thing that is going on at the moment. I've basically come as far as possible in my small pond - I educate people, have repeatedly come out, and pretty much reached the end of the road regarding my small peer group. Until I go to college this September, I'm sort of stagnating - the only possible I can see until then is family, and I am most definitely not ready to tell or show them any of my thoughts and concrete feelings about my romantic identity and sexuality.

I admit I'm a little scared of starting the cycle of dealing with everyone anew, but I'm also excited, too (apart from the obvious reason of being excited about staying in a wonderful house with a wonderful lodger family and going to a wonderful college, of course!) - sure, the pressure to conform will be larger, and sure, a larger lot of people might not be the kindest ever, but I'm going to be older and I hope, less inclined to repeat any mistakes.

Why Pinning Down Aesthetic Attraction is like Herding Cats

2011-03-27T07:29:00.000-07:00

For me, my lack of being able to pin down whether I found someone attractive or not was basically what led me to identify as asexual. I'd look at a conventionally 'hot' guy, and think they looked okay enough, then double-take and not be able to understand why. It was very ephemeral; blink-and-you-miss-it, type of thing.

Even now I'm aware that I don't have a broken sexuality, just a lack of one, it's still very hard to pic down. When look at pretty people, there will be something about them, but there's none of the 'phwoar' my friends express when they see a 'faaaine individual'.

I don't have a type, or at least, I think not. There are a far-ranging and wide list of things I find awesome, but it's by no means a list or a type. And without sexual attraction I'm pretty much lost, because I can't be sure if the 'pull' towards a pretty face is actually there or not, because whenever I focus on the elusive feeling, slips away from me, like jelly in my fingers.

How do you feel about aesthetic attraction?

Asexuality and Gender; Teenager's Redux

2011-03-22T08:31:00.001-07:00

Last week, I found myself educating a schoolfriend on the trans* spectrum (blame the yadas). She'd been following the FtM arc on Hollyoaks and was lovely and just so willing to correct her misconceptions, so that was fun. But as I was earnestly talking to her about cisness and trans*ness** as we walked round a field, she (well-meaningly) turns to me and says, "so are you cis?"
I wasn't really prepared to explain anything to her, nor was it important, so I sorted of shrugged it off with a "I suppose. Haven't really thought about it." Now, this understandably confused her. She 'hadn't thought about it' either, and yet when I told her about the concept of cisness, she was quick to go "Yep, that's me!". And when she voiced this, I felt pressured to think about a little more.

If we go by stereotypes, straight ladies are girly and sweet. They flutter their eyelashes to attract their boyfriends and watch chick flicks. Likewise, straight dudes have 'Lad's Nights' and work out at gyms, blah blah ad infinitum. If we get even further into harmful stereotypes, we have camp gay guys who have little purses falling out of their mouths and who like musicals, and butch gay girls who rode motorbikes and are part of the police force.

So, uh, where does that leave people who are (sexually or romantically) attracted to less or more than one gender? An asexual is sexually attracted to no gender, so where's their stereotype?

I myself am panromantic, so going by this I am even more lacking for a box to fit myself into (woooo). I can't define my gender presentation as a "___ who likes ___" in my form, really? Does this contribute to my yadaness? Eh, I don't know. But I think I've found a (personally) satisfying-yet-simple explanation for the next teenager who comes to me (the schools' ~*~Resident Queer~*~, yay) wanting to know about sexuality or gender after watching Hollyoaks or Skins.

--
Speaking of which, the fact people have been asking me stuff like this because of these shows is freaking awesome. Yay visibility!

**talking to someone who doesn't know anything about trans* individuals until now except that they previously thought of them as extreme crossdressers who 'wanted to be men/women [for a laugh]' is quite fun. For example, being a true Yada I took it one step further and told her about the binary, fluidity, neutrons people et al. Weirdest lunchtime snippet:
"So, there's actually more than two genders."
"Woah, Woah! What?"
"Yup."
"How many, then?"
*flounders* "A million! Sort of."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone.

Ack.

2011-02-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

I've made three posts in January, and all of them have apparently been eaten. Lucky I refrained from posting one of them or I'd have lost that, too.

BEEEEEEP~

Asexy Meetups: Redux

2011-01-14T00:10:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow I'm going to be going to my second 'official' meetup, which is in the same place and pretty close to the same time -albeit a year on- as the last one. I've also tried my highest to attend a few others and met awesome asexual outside of the official meetup setting.
One of the things that I'm struck with (and was almost put off by last year) is the fact that I'm quite young. Apart from the wonderful world of not being able to get very far under my own steam, I remember looking at the meetup threads on AVEN and seeing people in their twenties worrying that they were too young to attend. Where did that leave me? What would there be to talk about? I was a bit ambitious in fact that I decided to get over the location barrier by hosing my own darn meetup, and I remember feeling sick with worry as I travelled up- I'm pretty you'd now, and this was a year ago! Everyone was brilliant, though, and didn't even mind that I ended up leading them on a wild goose chase, amongst other things (a my two posts from last year show). AVEN's quite a close-knit community, in he sense that even though the membership spans thousands, you see familiar faces and can build up a picture of everything. It's not a forum for people who share love of an obscure hobby, it's where people quite often end up discovering themselves and puzzling out new and shiny things to do with their gender and sexuality how it pertains to them (yadas, step forward, please). It's a lovely experience to meet a small crossection of the people who make all this up, and I've come away with a couple of new friendships I though I'd never have.

One of my resolutions of 2011 was to attend at least one more meetup (which I can cross off tomorrow!) and I'm definitely planning to, age gap or not.
This time around, though, I'm not even pretending to organise the meet, and for that I am very grateful.
What are your thoughts on asexy meetups? Have you attended any, organised any, or bailed out from them? Do you worry you're too young or too old?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, because my Internet isn't safe anymore. Please excuse typos, but feel free to point them out for correction.

Gender

2010-12-31T10:01:00.000-08:00

I know that this has been covered in a lot more depth and with much more eloquence before; but today I'd like to talk about aces and their gender.

I can only really speak for myself and from the experiences I have seen of those on AVEN, tumblr and the yadas, but from what I have seen, a lot of asexuals (and other people who don't use gender to define their orientation, like pan or bisexuals, though that's really only something I have personally observed and is a tenous thing at best) seem to have a much higher of instances of people identifying as in some way being trans(whatever, sometime) or genderqueer in any myriad of ways.

Personally, I have been spending more and more time in the last few months interacting with a set of people on and off of AVEN, and naturally have sort of been sitting back and looking at how I feel about gender. And I really think that in my case at least, it is/was a case of convenience and assumption. Society said that I was a heterosexual girl, a girl who liked boys, the opposite gender.

It's why I was also invisibly told that 'Hey, you like the opposite gender, so you have to be different, and like *insert stereotypically feminine thing here* as opposed to *insert stereotypically masculine thing here*', and I internalised it, the same way that I have heard about so often than gay teens internalise the heteronormative message that they are wrong.

Of course, in your conscious mind you don't want to think that there is something wrong with you, or that social constructs dictate something as personal as your gender, but humans are social creatures. We like to be validated, whether or not the validation is a kind or true one.

On AVEN I likened the feeling to having gender as being two rafts in a river, one cisfemale and one cismale, which the majority of people are tied and/or clinging onto; with other people crossing between the two, or swimming different places in the river between the two or even drifting on the river in their own little vessels. I was saying how I seem to have recently realised that I'm not actually tied to the 'cisfemale' raft, and have rather been clinging on for convenience rather than necessity; as I've taken more and more time to think about it, I seem to be drifting away from the relative safety of the raft and am now at the mercy of the current, a bit.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, because my Internet isn't safe anymore. Please excuse typos, but feel free to point them out for correction.

Kinks and asexuality

2010-12-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

I guess it's odd that I'm posting about kinkiness. For one thing, I'm an adolescent, and for another, I'm asexual. But here I am, posting this - though don't worry, it's not explicit or 'hardcore'.

I've been thinking about kinkiness specifically because I've been thinking about asexuality, and what is is. As in, it may be the absence of sexual attraction, but what about aesthetic and romantic attraction? Romance drives? Sensuality and how it relates to sexuality?
The first two have been discussed and defined at considerable length, but the latter I have only seen talked about through fandom (courtesy of a wonderful essay by saucery at http://saucery.livejournal.com/11578.html ) and another blog written by a highly kinky asexual. I have also seen it acknowledged, at least in passing, by a few others; but definitely nowhere where people have sat down and said "We're here. Now let's talk about this."

And no, I'm not sure why I've taken it upon myself to 'talk' about it, as it were. Maybe because after a year of going 'am I really ace? Yep? Just checking,' I've gone onto a new kind of questioning, the kind where I go 'would I be willing to do this or this? Who can I see myself in a relationship with, if at all? I've questioned my gender, and those other three things- it seems that now my brain is satisfied about my orientation, it has found new things to question. Lucky me.
Of course, the side effect of this has been some welcome, unwelcome, and downright weird discoveries about myself. I'm personally of the opinion that if everyone did the same- if everyone was forced/led to explore their a/sexuality, orientation and gender like many queers folks are, there would be a lot less cut-and-dried straight-and-cis folk around (which, as I said, is a personal and frankly rather shoddy theory also vaguely supported by the 'increase' if queer folks, which is again an unreliable source, and... You get the idea). Sexuality (and all it all entails) is, as they say, fluid.

Obviously, the point of this post isn't to ramble on and on about gender and queerness and so forth... Or, it is, but of a different and specific brand.

Thinking about sensuality separately from sexuality is pretty headache-inducing. For a start, most of the time typically 'sensuous' things lead to sex. They're a pretty damn big part of foreplay, and so whilst certain things aren't sexual in of and in themselves, such as a backrub done by a professional (and done right) can be extremely sensually pleasing, but put the same backrub in another context, between 'friend's or partners, and as if by magic it becomes sexually charged. Apparently.

I think it's odd to reconcile the concept of asexuality and sensuality (even without 'proper' kink) without experience. Heck, I sometimes go 'really? This is really how I feel?' on certain days. But like it or not sensuality (as well as aesthetic and romantic attraction; and sexual and romantic drives) are not mutually exclusive. I sometimes worry about how I would potentially deal with sensuality with a partner; it's most likely that I will at any given time (in a relationship, I'm not constantly in the things) I will be in one with a sexual, and there the problems begin.
Of course, cutting straight to the heart of the issue; for me, it's the trust. There are a lot of very sensual things that I would love to share in the future with a partner: these things wouldn't be sexual in my view. I really wouldn't want to be in a potentially compromising situation as long as I trusted them to know that no, I wasn't cured of being ace, or getting carried away, and that I wouldn't like to _______ in the hypothetical situation. I know there's no-one at the moment who I could trait like that, and it's for. I'm a teenager, for goodness' sakes. I just hope that I get older that this still isn't too much to ask (as if being in a relationship with a repulsed asexual wouldn't be hard enough anyway, but that's another discussion). It probably be the worst kind if tease, as well- like I mentioned, sensual play is generally employed in sexual foreplay, and I'm sure it'd be annoying to a good few people- at bit like someone stealing the best part of a dessert. I mean, I myself don't feel it anywhere near as an important part of me as asexuality, but it's definitely an interesting conundrum.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, because my Internet isn't safe anymore. Please excuse typos, but feel free to point them out for correction.

Asexuality Acceptance Bitch part 2- or, finally getting around to that title

2010-12-10T01:08:00.001-08:00

All right, then, it's time that I got around to finally drawing the title to my rather large bitch (sssh, it's my blog and I shall do what I like). Now that I've fixed the issue of safe-ish and secure Internet that I can blog from (blog in your pocket! I'm waiting for a robot manservant now, hehe) I even have some meta/bitches/posts queued up, which is a massive luxury.

As I have said before, I'm currently having trouble with a second wave of ignorance. It's been over a year since I came out to basically the entire school, and I foolishly thought that, what with the unexpected allies and my conversations, I was all okay. Although I'd been told that people would forget, would stop the ether hurtful gossip, I didn't think that it would be quite so... Cold-shouldered.

I also, foolishly, thought that I had for the most part escape the ruder responses, but apparently I haven't - apart from the various unsavoury comparisons to all sorts of things, it's almost as if people have been affronted by my other-ness and retaliated the only way they know how, by determinedly ignoring me when I despair of being told to find a nice man, or just outright using a thinly veiled metaphor to tell me I'm fucked up; passive aggressive aggression at its British best.

There, that ties the title in nicely to my whole whiny mess, doesn't it?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, because my Internet isn't safe anymore. Please excuse typos, but feel free to point them out for correction.

Passive aggressive bull (aka 'Yay for British Non-Confrontationalism)

2010-12-09T01:56:00.001-08:00

Until recently, I've been one of the lucky asexuals who has avoided many of the cliched responses to their coming out. Sure, I've had ignorance, but I Went Forth and Educated, and all was well.

I've since come to realise that not only were most people ignorant, they obviously didn't absorb or listen to a word I had said, and to be honest I'm not in the mood to play educator to each and every one of them a second time. Although I never saw the problems with AVEN regarding this as others did (not that they weren't there; I suck at seeing subtle things like that), I've started encountering the issue in meatspace pretty much all of the time now- it was all right when my asexuality was novel and interesting and I was explaining and educating and people got to nod and ask invasive questions, but when I start to 'flaunt' m sexuality and people are called upon to actually absorb and understand what I was talking about, it's back to being called a baby/animal/robot/pervert and being told to be checked for hormone problems.

I'm really tired of my 'jargon' not being understood (this also applies to gender, though that's a story for another blog) when I really want to do is have a casual conversation where I'm not repressi or stifling myself. I'm a teenager. I live for communication. I like to chatter, and whine and bitch and moan, and it's beyond frustrating that the only people that I can talk to about this are fellow asexuals.
--
Oh, hey, this post has completely derailed itself (damn you, yadas). Sorry for the misleading title, and I will get on to the subject next time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone, because my Internet isn't safe anymore. Please excuse typos, but feel free to point them out for correction.

Location:England

Pride

2010-11-07T07:47:00.001-08:00

I'm quite an aggressive asexual, as you may have noticed.
I'm big on visibility, and I really enjoy fucking with people's stereotypes - although I try to be careful not to be boring (though I do like Lego's cartoon from the most recent version of AVENues, which illustrates the whole 'only straight people get to assert their orientation' thing beautifully).
I carry my homemade keyring on my bag everywhere, with the playing card on one side and the "Asexuals: there's more of us then you think" slogan on the other and wear my black ring everywhere, too, despite my school jewellery code (freakishly flexible fingers come in handy, there).

However, I'm a bit of a coward when it comes to other sorts of visibility - being in the closet to my family, for example. I know that some AVENites have gone down as saying that they're happy to answer personal questions in interviews, but as soon as it's more close to home, they get worried.
Does anyone else feel the same confidence/secrecy dichotomy to do with pride as it concerns strangers, family and friends?

Coming out - again and again

2010-10-26T07:12:00.001-07:00

I've recently been spending some time with friends who I wouldn't normally spend so much time with, and it's like a new friendship. Which is brilliant, and has been leading to se awesome times being had by all. However, it has been leading to awkwardness when sex it romance become topics in the conversations.
And, as I get older (though not that much older, dear reader) come up in conversations it does indeed, with increasing and alarming regularity.

In fact, the general conversation has been going a little like this;

Friend: "blah blah blah blah..." (conversation turns to sexual stuff)
Me: "Well, y'know, I'm not into that stuff...

And there the misunderstandings and hilarity ensue.
Of course, I realise that I've been taking for granted the fact that the school's gossips have basically ensured that I longer have to come it to anyone at all. But it's still a little disconcerting to have to explain to new friends that no, I don't particularly want to go to dances to get off with people, or agonise about the intricacies of someone else getting off, and yes, intend to be an old cat lady, or else in a super-relationship of awesomeness with various friends. I'm not aromantic (god no- I may not be horny teenager, but in the absence if an insatiable libido, I have an equally annoying romance drive) but I'm still not really interested in explaining the intricacies of my perfect, romantic/platonic relationship to the average cislayman. It's not particularly Cindy From Next Door's business, unless I want to be in a relationship with them.

I still find coming and explaining asexuality again and again too, and although I know every person I tell adds to collective awareness, I still have a sense that I'm being a 'vis-queen' in a negative way, constantly flaunting and discussing my orientation, even though most other ( i.e. Heteronormative) people get to "flaunt" theirs every day.

Neglect, she does!

2010-10-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, and though I can't say I have an excuse, I can say I've been spending the time wisely (wisely meaning 'on non-academic procrastination).

I've been writing. Sheets and sheets, on a variety of subjects.

Okay, when I say variety, I mainly mean random drabbles and short things under 2,000 words related to asexuality, and fanfiction dabbling, but I've really enjoyed experimenting with different styles of writing and getting back into the hobby my 11-year-old self enjoyed so much.

Plus, it's been educational (gasp!) because my English has been doing well as a result. So there we go.

What I nearly missed (just like my AVENersary, did I spell that right?) was that it's been almost a whole year since I naively tried to educate my school on asexuality, and failed more than a bit. Luckily, the comments were just ignorant rather than extremely rude (to my face), although I did get the brand of 'it's your hormones... insert personal question here' and 'I bet you'll fall in love and be normal' etcetera.

Which makes it all the more special that, a year on, not only am I 'normal', but that I have fallen in love (asexy love!) and I have gotten older (a whole year!) and I'm still not normal.

I've been attracted to people and I've had chats with friends, and no, I'm not a confused asexual - admiring curly hair doesn't make me want to jump someone's bones.

Best of all, two of the most vocal people back then, who asked pretty much the most ignorant questions, are now the people who are the most understanding and who I can talk to. They wouldn't be the kind of person you'd look at and think 'yes, they have an asexual friend who (tries badly to) talk to them about the Kinsey scale and has cosy chats about sexuality with', but there you go. (I love you guys, I really do. Even though said education isn't conducive to my IT work.)

So, I think that the one day this year where I'm going to flaunt my asexuality will have less ignorant questions. I'll be able to approach it in a better way, too - and who knows, I might inform my family*.

And the whole point of this post? I get to say I told you so.** :)

*I came the closest I have ever come to coming out to my family when, during our monthly 'find a mate, dear boy, find a mate' talk, I was condescended to (babies) and told that it would be different when I was in love. I wish they knew how different so they could leave me alone..

**Yes, I'm vindictive. I'm a teenager. *cackle*

This blog is experiencing formatting problems.

2010-09-07T04:01:00.001-07:00

If anyone know how to fix the fact that whenever I post something small like this, and then return the font size to normal after, it looks fine when editing yet when posted the 'new' normal text looks like this would be awesome and I would forever be in their debt.

That is all.

Asexy Literature- Part 1 (in which Holly geeks out majorly)

2010-09-07T03:59:00.000-07:00

Hello, all.

I've been thinking a while about asexuals in literature- although not the 'fictional character shows ____ traits, maybe they're ace?" kind of discussion- the actual mentions of asexuality and actual literature that deals with asexuality explicitly.

Interestingly, I've seen somewhat of a trend in my favourite pool of writers, the USA's YA author equivalent of the Frat Pack- the group of authors who frequently promote each other's charity and blog events, create anthologies together, and seem to hold pretty much the same ideologies. (Some are more connected than others, and I may be the only one who refers to them this way, but...)

I'm talking about the group of writers such as John Green (vlogbrothers?) Scott Westerfeld (Uglies series author currently delving into steampunk), Holly Black, Maureen Johnson, Justine Larbelestier.... The lists goes on. Forgive me if I've missed any.

Anyway, I'm somewhat of an avid consumer of some of their books, what with being a Young Adult and all, and in particular I've seen rather an interesting trend between them all, namely their mentions of asexuality.

There's the passing mention in 'Geektastic, Stories from the Nerd Herd', the more-than-passing-mentions from 'Will Grayson, Will Grayson', and the way that John Green and Hank have alluded to asexuality through their Youtube channel.

There's also quite a lot of speculation on Scott Westerfeld's various characters, but that's dealt with most in 'Mind Rain', the Uglies Series collection of essays and in his personal blog.

Again, this 'Geek pack' are also known for their various political stances on various issues such as gender and the LGBT spectrum, too.

What's most interesting (apart from the collective awesome) is that they've got a very large following, even in the UK.

With more and more of these concrete mentions of asexuality, surely it's coming into the collective YA-reading psyche a little easier and faster, which is always a good thing.

However, this quiet invasion of popular YA novels isn't really enough, which I'll hopefully be discussing more in Part 2: Things written for asexuals soon(ish).

Asexuality and 'Growing Up'

2010-09-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

Hello, there.

Having been away for the past month, I am now getting ready to go back to school. Living in the UK, 'school-school' (i.e. boring and compulsory school) finishes in the eleventh year, where most of the students are 15, turning 16 at various points- though of course, thanks to the devil in disguise, the ageism rearing its head again means that I'm one of the last years to be able to leave at 16.

Anyway, this is quite a change for me. For the majority of my life, school has been a massive presence, one that never goes away. My life has been monotonous for most weekdays, and now that time's coming to an end! Hooray, right?

Um, I'm actually not so sure...

As I'm getting older, life is getting a little bit scarier, for one thing. I acquire more responsibility (work harder at school! Make life choices!) and - this is the clever bit, where I tie the whole thing into asexuality- and also a little bit of added stigma.

"So, have you 'got' boys yet?" I was asked yesterday by a family friend. It's not offensive, as such, but such things are becoming more and more common, because I'm at the prime age to start 'getting' them. Even coming from an isolated, single-sex school, most of my friends are developing emotionally, and some are in long-term relationships. Others aren't, but they're still all people-mad.

I suppose this has been coming for a while, but it is at times like these that I can't wait to escape to college; where hopefully there'll be understanding people and maybe even a LGTBQA group.

I'll be approaching the 'Sweet Sixteen and....", the "Woah, barely legal!" and possibly even rude presents. I'll be facing more and more difficult questions from adults and others alike, and I may even have to come out to parents.... Though I don't see why, from this side of the year.

Oh look, she's writing again.

2010-08-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's come over me lately- whether it's the fact I just gave myself some electrocution-y goodness, courtesy of my TV signal wire (don't ask) or whether the lessening months before NanoWriMo has my brain all-a-tingle, I feel like writing again.

Although I have a sneaking suspicion it's because I'm trying to make use of the access to a non-broken keyboard. I still haven't heard from Apple.

(and my arm is spasming. I think some volts must have damaged the nervesdjkbfowrib*.)

But, whatever the reason, I've decided to do some good old room-in-a-shun.

After over a year of settling in to my new identity, I'm starting to feel the jitters. Like cold feet, but more... Committed. Like a small child who, a year on, still hasn't killed her guinea pig.

And I've almost come full circle from a year ago, when my disastrous attempt at making something of AVED kick-started the alienation process between myself and my peers.

I've since had two of my biggest sceptics** do a complete right-turn (a phase? Take that, over a year long phase), and found out who my true friends are.

And although I do love my so-called meatspace friends lots, let me just say that I resonate with this secret very deeply- although, cross my heart, I wasn't actually the maker (pinky swears).

Yup, if I could gather all of the AVEN asexies (asexy is the new sexy, I'm not excluding non-asexuals, here), I'd give them a coke and keep them company, and all that.

Update on the interview:

The nice lady from the Times is going to call some time tomorrow- I'm not quite sure when as she's been busy and so it was all I could do to wrangle a response from her without feeling too guilty.

TEENAGER DISCLAIMER:

As most of you reader(s?) should have guessed by now, I am a teenager. Yes, it's important because it means my head is full of fluff and knee-crust and that you should disregard about 90% of what I say, but it's also important because- being a teenager- I often disregard my legal guardian's advice on things such as not sneaking out and not doing such-and-such. Of course, I like to console myself with the fact that I'm not being naughty for the purpose of drinking underage and being- ahem- deflowered in a field somewhere, but all the same, I'm a bit silly.

I'm very excited, because someone (let's say in Durham, wherever that is***) may one day see a little quote by me, and think to themselves (in a Durhamian accent) "Hey! That's kinda how I feel!" and henceforth discover the wonderful AVEN, with the pixellated cakey goodness and purple and... advice and personal growth. Yep, that's what I'm doing this for. (shuddup shuddup back there)

But, and there is a but; I am currently struggling with the fact that this will be an interview. For a real paper. And though my parent/things don't read said Real Paper, what if people do? Of course, I can be anonymised**** to my little heart's content, but that's not what the journalist wants, hence the struggling.

I think I might just have to put myself first for this one, though. I mean, I may be out an proud to total strangers, but a national newspaper just doesn't seem the best springboard for an outing to friends and family, does it?

Anyway, I shall stop obsessing about this.

In other words, my flag choice has won! We now have an official asexuality flag!

Does it make me sad I'm stopping off at the material shop first thing tomorrow?

Cake and hugs,

Sincerely,

The very confused sad-happy-scared-excited-asexual-teenager-who-is-writing-this-blog-post-in-letter-form-hence-the-weird-sign-off.

*I'm just messing with you!

**One was a proper sceptic, and the other was interested- but it doesn't stop her being generally close-minded and not really believing moi.

***(Local) Geography was, and still is to date, the only class I have ever failed.

**** It is a word now. And yes, I'll stop doing post-script/footnote bastard children.

And now the happiness ends.

2010-08-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

Hello, friends.

Today is not a good day.

I don't know whether it's the onset of the bad weather, the influx of recent bad news or the fact that every time I open my mouth when speaking to my mother, I want to shout out "I'm asexual!" only to realise that, apart from it being a very bad idea, I have no reason other than my peace of mind to do this.

I mean, what would it achieve?

Since I'm not looking to disclose any details about my relationships in that way, at present, I don't even know why I want to get this out. But- I do. Strange, huh?

And the fact that a few nights ago my subconscious started tormenting me with a dream about my coming out being received perfectly, my finding suddenly a bevy of young asexuals and perfect friends in my neighbourhood to be my support group, and waking up to find that not only is this totally unrealistic; it was a really vivid dream and I can still recall it perfectly (after few days of wakefulness) now.

At the moment, my mind obviously isn't happy. I find myself moping for no reason, biting back ill-advised comments about my lack of sexual attraction to the mailman, and I do so hope it's part of this silly teenager-al business everyone is always going on about.

Luckily, I'm also hopefully going to be able to give back to the wonderful community that birthed these hormonal asexual whines (no, come back! I didn't mean it like that, honest!)

as Helen Croydon of the Times (UK) has asked for an interview- I'm especially happy about this as I'll be allowed to have a fake name, and lots of other AVEN peeps have said she's lovely. I can't wait!

I don't think I'm at a healthy place, at the moment... I don't have an excuse, really (apart from family issues, but that's been going on for 15 years, so I can't really start complaining now), but I still find that I'm constantly looking for something.

I think it's anxiety-related, and that's something for another day.

Ooh, and another good thing that I can't seem to appreciate, lately- I braided an ace pride bracelet, courtesy of the AVEN thread.

Here's how I did it (from a friendship bracelet site, but changed the example colours):

P.P.S- anyone who's reading this who has $1 ( or £1) to spare? Please help the Asexuality doc's Kickastarter program. It'll be an awesome film- and you will have helped it become a reality. And if they don't make it, you get your money back! Win win!

Tumblr and Queer Secrets

2010-08-04T11:55:00.000-07:00

Helloo, dar!

Tis me again. Now, this post will be very short- not just because of my, admittedly large bout of laziness, but because my keyboard is broken and unless I manually edit everything I type, taking 4 times as long to create legible text as usual, my

'keuyboard 'tuypes 'like 'thjis, 'godamnmnit. 'It 's 'mnot 'hjuyst 'tuypo 'riddemn, 'it 's 'tuypo 'HJELL.

Phew, I'm glad I got that out. This thing has been driving me mad all day! Ahem.

First off- I'd like to direct your attention to Queer Secrets. Have you heard of it? If the answer is yes, proceed to page 3. Or the end of the blog post. Whatever.

If you haven't, you're in luck (or not).

Queer Secrets is a Tumblr-based, Post Secret-type blog that posts... You guessed it... Secrets of a LGTBQWERTUYIOP nature.

Each secret is sad and sweet, a mix of the famous FML and the more upbeat GMH "so popular with the youngins' these days".

Around '10+ secrets are posted daily, and there are a good few asexual ones, positive and negative.

Sadly, I find most of the negative ones resonate withe me- though that's probably because my 'ace problems' are quite common, whereas my 'ace pride moments' aren't!

Here's the link. enjoy!

P.S. I'm sorry in advance for any awful typos I may have missed. *kills keyboard*

P.S.S.- Are you ladles and gentlespoons excited about the ace flag voting? 'Cus I am! Actually, on 'Queer Secrets I've seen one particular design being used as the de facto one already, so I hope to goodness it wins.

An little update from the asexual in the corner

2010-07-21T14:56:00.000-07:00

It's only been eleven days since my last blog post, which isn't too bad, for me.

And now here I am, writing about the only things I have experience of that pertain to this blog; asexuality and being a teenager (more on this later, actually).

Little update: My ring is garnering some wonderful attention. Despite it being made of some semi-precious gem or glass-like material, it has suffered some pretty heavy abuse (very unlike my last one!) so I'm just lucky, I guess. It's facets also sparkle prettily, which is an awesome bonus!

Now, on to the attention. I'm sure you don't want to hear about my ring that much.

I've had some positive attention, and some negative attention (although the negative was funny and not asexuality related, tee hee!).

The first positive attention stemmed from one of my 'options' courses.

I take IT (i.e. computers and geekery) as one of my options, and for some reason two of the... I wouldn't say 'jocks', as they are both female and British, but our equivalent of them- most 'jock-ish' people in my class also take IT.

One of them asked about my black ring, and after my evasive reply (the reply 'like a gay pride ring, but without the gayness' that usually works wasn't appropriate due to my teacher being in the room) she looked up the meaning on the computer.

Thanks to the awesome visibility that people have put out, and AVEN info, etcetera, she was able to fin the meaning after only two searches, despite using Google like an old granny (like I said, I have no idea why they're taking the class... XD). What followed was a hilarious, though slightly scary heart-to-heart straight from a romcom, as the two 'popular girls/jocks/bullies' started proclaiming how I was 'all right' and their 'sweet friend'.

Apparently, they now believe me about my asexuality (the Google granny wasn't too happy with me a few months ago, see the AVED post). At one point, the other girl clasped me to her chest and started going on about how I was her weird little nice friend/pet... I did say it was scary! :D

Anyway, the story ends well, what with the asexuality strengthened in a positive way and me disproving the she-doesn't-like-boys-so-must-be-a-lesbian thing, too.

The second story involves my mother and general family and friends. Quite a few people have asked what the ring is for, etc, which is.. Good, and not good. I'm certainly not ready to come out to family, but the fact that people are asking is a plus.

I won't bore you with details of the 'negative' aspects of wearing my LBR, apart from that fact that involved someone that was jealous that I could get away with wearing a ring to school/work and she couldn't. Either this is the institution finally sticking up for me, or I'm just lucky, haha.

Anyway, over and out!

A year of AVEN, cake, and confusion

2010-07-11T01:29:00.000-07:00

'Sup, everyone.

Due to GCSEs and random life crises, my AVENersary* completely slipped me by this year.

(2nd July, if you're wondering.)

And why is that important, you ask?

Well, AVEN is the main asexual community, and the place where most asexuals realise 'their asexualness', including me. It may be just a forum, but it has contributed to my happiness, my self-understanding, and... Dare I say it, my fashion sense (little black ring! :D).

Around a year ago, I came to AVEN hurt and confused, because I waas realising that something wasn't quite right about my reactions to certain things, blah blah blah.

My story if typical of many AVENites, and it's been funny to realise how much AVEN has affected me. There's people on there that missed me, whilst I was battling exams and school-term-endings and whatnot.

There's people that know me in person, sometimes despite having never set foot in the place I live, and having (seemingly at first) nothing more in common with me than a shared orientation.

There's people that have helped me when I have been sad, confused or angry, and people I haved helped in turn. It's the very definition of a 'proper' community.

And that's why I think I'll actually celebrate my AVENersary, belated though it may be.

I'm off to make some mug cake.

*- all thanks to other people's AVENersaries posts I skimmed 'AVENersary' off... That is one weird word. It took me ages to figure out how to spell it!

Warning: Post contains cheer and happiness. Proceed at own risk.

2010-06-11T05:04:00.000-07:00

Hello, people!
I have to say, I get pretty hard by SAD, (Seasonal Affective Disorder) although it's more to do with sleep problems and lowered immune system etcetera that the serious 'SAD depression' issues. And these last few days have been glorious!

For some reason, whilst half asleep and on my way to school, I made the 'decision' to be happy. You know what they say; if you smile on the outside you'll feel happier immediately, blah de blah. Well, such a decision would never have worked in the winter, but boy has it worked this week! I've been freaking people out with my pep levels, actually. ^_^
I'm especially happy as I know that I work better in the summer, academically- and I've just taken the first (of many) GCSE exams.
I also credit my happy-increase to my black ring, and... Wait for it... Rainbow coloured nail varnish! Yes, that's right, I can be cheered up to the point of I-want-to-smack-that-girl-she's-so-damn-happy with simple bright colours and sunshine.

Hey, wait. I'm a human being, and we're pretty complex animals. So why do such simple things cheer us up? Why wasn't I told about how easy this was?

Meh, maybe it's a global conspiracy to keep psychiatrists in business. We'll never know.

I'm just off to to enjoy the sunshine!

P.S Another reason for my happiness may be credited to this Awesome Tattoo (temporary) that I got yesterday. Caketastic!

Mah New Black Ring!

2010-06-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

I started this blog not too long after buying my first Black Ring. As you may know (from AVEN, my previous post or off the back of a cereal packet) a black ring worn on the middle finger is an asexual symbol... And a great excuse to swear at someone and get away with it. Joking!

Anyway, I'm very proud of my new ring. Not only is it spiffy, but in wearing it I get to experience the warm fuzzy feeling whenever I look down at it; a little anchor and a sense of ... Not 'belonging' as such, but a little push in the right direction when I feel a little lost. For example, whilst walking through town I was confronted by the sight of a crowd of people, some of whom I know, and- to cut a long story short- it was a little uncomfortable.

The feeling of my LBR (heehee, a new take on the staple dress acronym*) on my ring just gave me the right amount of smug self-confidence to not feel icky and walk away as fast as my legs would carry me.

And here it is!

You can't see it too well, now that you mention it. I got a, um, little carried away with the awesomeness of the ring for mere photographic clarity and detail. How silly of me.

*=And a Little Black Book, now you mention it. Wow, the black ring can become and insta-cliche! Success!

Appearance as 'art': Part 2

2010-04-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

WARNING;

Introspection below. Proceed at own risk.

I don't find people sexually attractive. I'm asexual. But I still notice other people and their appearance. I'm not "face-blind" (although I've never looked at someone and thought them hot or sexy), but I will still turn my head when an interesting person walks by- purple hair? Nice cheekbones? I notice stuff like this. But why do I notice these things?

I could argue that I'm drawn to 'pretty' people the same reason others are, but because I don't find them sexually attractive the desire isn't there. My friends will look at an attractive person and occasionally make "Pwhoar" comments. The 'pretty' person is desirable to them, and they 'want' them.

But I don't have that desire, and so I can't comprehend the reason I'm drawn to a picture in a magazine or a face in a crowd.

Usually, if I look at someone, by the second glance any 'zing' that made me look at them is gone. No matter how I search for it, I can't put my finger on what made me look at them in the first place.

Why is this?

Asexy Meetup Part 2

2010-04-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

Well.

That was a lovely time.

In spite of the fact that there was nearly an hour gap between the first arrival and the last, and the fact that the combined efforts of myself and one other person got me hopelessly lost, the meet-up was a resounding success. The pedaloes, although not in attendance, were meant to be the crux of the entire meet and so we ended up walking round in circles for a few hours, chatting, and then eating, and then desperately running (or climbing up hills and jumping fences ;D) to the respective stations/buses home.

Although we didn't end up sticking to any form of itinerary, it was lovely to see my fellow AVENites in the flesh and I am sincerely glad that I took the time to (try) to organise a (dubiously planned) meet. I probably wouldn't have shown up to any meet other than 'my own', coward that I am, and as well as not missing out on a wonderful day I've also given myself the courage to attend a meet the next time an opportunity arises.

Thank you, fellow AVENites. I'm glad the promise of pedaloes could lure you there :D

Asexy Meetup Part 1

2010-04-02T10:24:00.001-07:00

Well, the plan's finally come to fruition. After weeks of careful and not-so-careful planning, I'm hoping to hop on a bus tomorrow and meet some wonderful people and have a great time. I'm all set with my pirate flag, ready to take Exeter by storm with my fellow Pedalo Pirates!

As this is my first meet, I'm a tad anxious. What if the day doesn't go smoothly, I don't enjoy it, am put off attending future days etc... I've promised myself that I'll go in with an open mind, try not to be too negative, and above all, tamp my oddness down to a minimum :P

I'll present you all with Part 2 later tomorrow.

On a different note, how has everyone's April Fool and Good Friday been? I hope you weren't the butt of too many pranks. ;D

Appearance as 'art'

2010-03-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

I've come across the "asexuals don't need sexual partners, so why bother?" question a few times, being asked with varying degrees of sarcasm, ignorance and sometimes irony.

And my answer- as with most other people- is that I'm not hyped up about my appearance in that sense (Why the skintight crop tops, ladies? *wail*), but by heck do I like to make an effort. When I'm out of the Funny Farm :P and in public, I walk past perfect strangers who look at me an make judgements based on what they see. I'm not generalising, here (I hope). I meant judgements as in "I love those Doc Martens" or "I might have to copy that some time" or "hehe, nice banana suit". My appearance is what 'speaks' to these people, and although I'm not saying you should let complete strangers dictate how you should dress, I also think this applies to other areas as well as wandering round towns and cities. Meeting new people? Unless we aren't looking forward to it, we generally take a conscious effort to portray a certain 'image'. As the old saying(s) go, "a picture is worth a thousand words" and... Some other ones I forgot, hehe.

Anyway, I take pride in my appearance as almost an art form. I often make my own accessories and jewellery, and I'm proud enough of what I make to want to display it. If I want to look serious, I'll change what I'm wearing to reflect that.

Fashion isn't just for peacocks, people.

Of Missing Teeth and Children

2010-03-19T02:36:00.000-07:00

I just arrived from the dentist, having had 2 more teeth extracted (I had 2 taken out last week too, to make room in my 'small' jaw). I won't bore you with the bloody details- literally- but as I have to spend the day resting and not being able to speak, I thought it was a good time to put my thoughts out through another medium- typing.

I'm a bit of a wuss when it comes to certain types of pain- especially the afterpain of extractions. I've been told by more than a few people that "when I have kids, I'll be useless" as a joke, and my dentists' assistant, a lovely lady, asked me how I was going to cope when I had kids.

But why did they have to say 'when'?

I live in the UK, where almost 1 in 5 women choose (or not) not to have children. Yet the prevailing attitude is that because I am a girl, I will have them. Not if, but when. It's apparently my 'fate'.

[/pain induced rubbish] I think I'll go bash my jaw in with a sledgehammer now.

Small Town Girl

2010-03-13T11:09:00.000-08:00

Hey, folks. Today, I'm going to talk to you about narrow-mindedness.

No, this is not my cue to step onto my soapbox and rant about the narrowmindedness of those around me- specifically- but about viewpoints in general. It really irks me when people are ignorant and narrowminded, especially about issues relaxed to sexuality and gender- ranging from the assumption that because I am a 'woman' I will at some point produce small children, whether I want to or not, to sexist jokes and calling everything under the sun 'gay'.

But, these are definitely not the only times people can be narrowminded, and anyway- this post isn't about that. I'm here to "talk to you today" about why people hold such beliefs. Why is openmindedness so hard for some of us?

I myself can be narrowminded, and I'm certainly ignorant of a lot of things. I haven't learnt everything in the years I've been here. But what I have learnt has definitely been influenced by the people around me, and events in my life. For instance, my mother (who I love dearly, haha) is a bit of a snob, and whilst I'd like to think I'm not a snob myself, I know that one of my personality flaws is the tendency to come across as arrogant. Heck, I probably even type a little arrogantly, and maybe even come across as rather snobbish as well.

But my point is, I was influenced by my mother (and to some extent, my father, who is at times very arrogant) and they have passed some of their flaws (and good points, I hope) onto me. Nature or Nurture? It's hard to tell, but when negative traits are being passed on, such as a racist attitude or a chauvinistic outlook on life, it can seriously warp the way someone thinks.

And it's not just parents and adults who pass things on.

Being surrounded by people your age who cry "Faggot! Lesbo! Ew, Trannie" at everything is bound to make you react, be it by furiously beating them with a pan handle :P or going along with it and passing the slang along yourself. But, especially with homophobic, sexist and racist attitudes, the 'things' being passed can be completely outdated, left over from times when homosexuality was illegal, people with Gender Dysphoria were locked up, and segregation was the norm. Society isn't too quick to change, it seems. And in "Small Towns", places where these hurtful ideas are allowed to fester- be it an actual small town, a family or even a schoolyard- it's kinda hard to break out of the mold.

EDIT: Phew, didn't know I had this long, rambling and pointless rant in me. Sorry for the absence of rationality and sense. And no, I'm not pointing any fingers this time.

Happy Valentines Day!

2010-02-21T03:46:00.000-08:00

Look at this blog! I feel disgraceful. I don't even want to look at the last post date.

Yes, and I know that the title is rather out of date- as I said, I haven't been 'here' for ages.

So, people- I'm here to talk about Valentines Day.

Being asexual and also single, I'm not consumed by the relationship-frenzy that most people seem to enter. Sure, seeing the streets filled with loved-up couples can be amusing or annoying, depending on your perspective, but I don't usually celebrate or bemoan the day any more than I do Mondays. Actually, bad choice. I HATE Mondays.

What I do have a slight problem with, is that Valentines Day is for couples. The days of sending non-joke cards to friends are apparently long gone by the time we leave primary school. I love sending cards and making/finding gifts for friends on any occasion (generosity+procrastination=win) and I don't think Valentines should be any exception. I like expressing and sharing the lurve for everyone- don't tell me my little brother receiving a mahoosive box of chocolates and practically screaming in joy isn't in the Valentines spirit :) A few people I know like to celebrate Valentines with everyone, and that's awesome. But not everyone does, and the impression hallmark likes to give is almost as if those not in a relationship should be punished. And that hurts, a little bit. Because even though I'm very happy with my 'relationship status' at the moment, thanks very much- the whole obsessive marketing of the days makes me feel a little bit, well.... sad. And Valentines Day (Or V-Day) shouldn't do that, should it?

Because if it should, those cherubs with their happy faces are dirty rotten liars.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

It's been a while. I know. But having fallen down some stairs a week ago (resulting in being told not to go to sleep "OR DIE!"), travelling up to London on the weekend for a birthday and singing for old people/charity, I've been up to quite a bit. Although I know everyone else manages to get around things like that.

Anyway, I am getting into the merry spirit of Christmas, New Year and mindless consumerism and have interrupted my little holiday by posting to wish you a lovely Seasons Greetings.

Oh, and I thought that I had to share this awesome asexy cake-hat tutorial: Maybe the perfect gift for an asexual friend/yourself?

Or maybe not, but I just had to share it. :)

Merry Christmas!

You're special... Just like everyone else

2009-11-15T00:03:00.000-08:00

Who here has never been told they were special?

Go on, raise your hands.

Not even by your teacher mom/mum or friends?

I thought so.

I remember when my teacher, fed up of my incessant "but....WHY"s and my almost hyperactive eagerness to get my work done, told me how 'special' I was.

And even now, the sarcastic 'You're just special' is used by my friends.

Being special, or people scared of being a sheep, is a well-known cliche in books and movies. Everyone wants to be famous. Everyone wants to be remembered. It's the basic fears of humanity, surfacing in small children around the age of six or seven (If you read an excellent short story called 'Games at Twilight', you'll know what the heck I'm on about).

And, of course, almost every teenage girl (and probably more than a few boys too, I just aren't on that close terms with many of them :P ) think that;

The world is against them,

They are going through ____(insert here) completely alone and non-one has ever experienced it before,

and that their feelings (of first love, turmoil etc.) and thoughts are unique.

Now, I know that's a pretty harsh assessment, and I hope you'll forgive me, but I myself have been guilty of 2/3 sins at some time or other.

Now, to cut the ****,

My closest friend of ten years is shutting me out at the moment, because she is going through 'some issues'. She's told quite a few people what these issues are, but is excluding me because "You won't sympathise; This will never happen to you".

It isn't about my asexuality, and apart from it being because I have -5 eyesight or am around hobbit-height, there's nothing that differentiates us. And yes, you've guessed it, this unique thing that has happened to her is an emotion/thought.*

I'm sure that when she is ready, she will tell all, but what I find odd is that despite assurances that not to burst her bubble, she isn't that different from me, and isn't that unique, she still thinks that she is alone in what she's feeling, which means that I worry for her and feel really frustrated at the same time.

It must have had something to do with the many, many (rather than one) teachers telling her that she was special :P

Peace out.

I'm Back!

2009-10-14T10:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anybody noticed, but I have had a bit of a hiatus. I have had a lot going on lately, but the extended rest period has mostly been due to my bogus computer crashing a lot (which meant that I ended up typing the same -long- letter out 5 times, and that I had to retype a 3 page essay the morning before it was due. I failed, and was hunted down by my elderly History teacher. Use the save button, people!), resulting in various hi-jinks and the loss of internet. But now I'm back!

Various Updates:

I wasn't able to do too much to educate my fellow students on the actual Coming Out Day or AVED, but due to my disastrous premature 'Coming Out' people surprisingly have been really understanding*. I wrote '...Is Asexual. Got a problem with that?' on Facebook, and amazingly, people that I don't know particularly well left positive comments and 'Liked' the status. Success!

*I wore purple armbands and proudly explained what they meant (I've been wearing pink ones for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and people wanted to know why I wasn't on Monday). People were a lot more understanding, to the point that when I was trying to explain about my anti-baby/marriage/want to learn about contraception agenda, one person turned around in their seat and said "Oh yah, she's asexual though, isn't she?"

The least positive reaction I had on AVED was one person confiding to me "I think you are too young. I'm sure when the hormones kick in you'll find someone." or, my favourite, "One day you'll fall in love. Well, I suppose it won't be love for you...Will it?"

You win some, you lose some, I suppose.

Asexophobia

2009-10-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! I've been reading up on my AVED-related activities. I had some awesome stuff lined up. It was going to be brilliant!
But unfortunately I've now been put off a teensy weensy bit off AVED 2009.
Mainly since of all the asexophobia I've copped lately.*

But what can one expect from attending school in a rural town entirely populated by chavs who don't even have a non-white population, let alone a varied sexuality base?
Basically, I made the mistake of thinking that because I had come out to a few of my friends from school who were understanding, they all would be. I also made the mistake of being proud to be asexual and not hush-hush like I SHOULD HAVE BEEN. Oops, silly me.
I also made the mistake of letting people prematurely see the mini-zine on asexuality I printed as a test run (I've since completely reshuffled the pages and added a link, so..) and then it escalated. First I got the standard '...wha?' responses, and I educated a few people. I felt proud. But my closest friend was really not understanding, or supportive at all, and insinuated that I was a crazy teen going through a stupid phase, and that AVEN was a paedo site and that all of the AVENites were freakazoids(When I told her to check AVEN out so that she could see the error of her ways, she not-so-subtly ignored me). I should have realised then that my AVED-related plans would crash and burn.
The next morning I was verbally attacked and abused, and now everyone seems to know I'm ace and asks rude questions about it. I only told... *counts on fingers* 5 people who were in school at the time!
Methinks people have been gossiping about me behind my back and generally discussing my (TOTALLY non-valid, apparently) asexuality behind my back.
In fact, the most understanding people about it so far (in this whole episode) have been a bunch of 11 year olds who heard about this by chance. But that's because they giggle when they hear the word 'penis' and don't think about sex, let alone alternative sexual identities.

So, I'm sorry, North Cornwall. You've missed out on having me as an asexual activist. And it's all to do with a bunch of narrow-minded teens.

I hope they're happy.

*There's actually been a big discussion about what to call phobia against asexuals. If you followed suit after homophobia, you'd end up with aphobia, which translates as having a phobia of no phobias. So, now we have asexophobia!

Coming Out In Middle School-Review

2009-09-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

I recently read the Times article about 'Coming Out in Middle School'.

It's quite a long article (which is a nice change from the paragraph-or-two space-filling articles about teen sexuality) which talks mostly to American teenagers from 12 to 16 (again, covering new ground).

I liked the article because it didn't offer the opinion that these teens just 'didn't know themselves' and provided positive viewpoints.

Check it out!

Help Me...

2009-09-21T11:12:00.001-07:00

Recently, the subject of my being in the closet has been rearing its ugly head all too often.

I'm under increasing pressure to be in a relationship from my mother (who did not take my 'coming out attempt' well at all), I'm constantly being faced with situations that force me to lie and closet myself more and more- to the point that I'm not sure people will believe me if and when I admit to them that I'm asexual- and my friends are bringing out the insecure beast in me.

Shallow, isn't it?

With October the 12th fast approaching, I've been preparing for AVED.

I want to do as much as possible (as mentioned in the previous post) and so I have been thinking up ways to make AVED 2009 memorable.

But there is only so much I can do in the asexual community, as I am most definitely not 'out' to my family.

To me, being in the closet generally doesn't pose much of a problem- but it does when it comes to family. Whenever I consider attending an asexual meetup, the problem's there. Whenever I consider buying an AVEN T-shirt, it's there.

I know for a fact that if I tried to come out to my mother today, she wouldn't take it well.

She has a problem with anyone under the the age of sixteen (strangely, sixteen's fine- you must magically age on your birthday) having any orientation identity other than heteronormative.

Not just asexual, but bi, trans, pan and even the most straight-foward, homosexuality is 'just a phase' for anybody under sixteen.

Help?

Life, the Universe and Little-Kiddywinks

2009-09-16T11:17:00.000-07:00

Today, I had my first class in my PSME/Citizenship course. Inevitably, the talk of the class turned from 'Do well in your other courses' to 'don't get in debt' to 'get married and have kids'.

Our teacher was lecturing us about how we should know what we want in life, but when it became obvious that she was talking about "settling down " and there were some murmurs, she then produced the age-old line

"You may say that now, but I bet in a few years your views will change."

Now, it's well-known to the class that I'm definitely not open to the idea of marriage, and when I mentioned to the woman that neither was I intending to get married, nor was I planning on popping sprogs out, she obviously thought that this too was a cliche and went on to talking about safe-sex, and how they are often "Famous last words".**

At the time, I was throwing glances at my friend (who is the only person that's really aware I'm asexual) and laughing, but later, it made me think.

I may know that it's not likely that marriage etc. is going to happen to me, but everyone else around me- save my friend- is ignorant to that fact.

It makes me feel isolated and has pretty much put a damper on my otherwise-nice day.

When things happen like that (and they are happening, with increasing regularity) that effectively 'put me in the closet', they make me feel like a fraud and a liar.

So what? You ask. Sexual identity is not the Be all and End all of your life.

I attend a single-sex school full of hormonal, heteronormative teen girls *.

The 'sexual tension' is highly charged at times, and it's easy to feel out of place. Add to that to the fact that I'm a sexual minority and one of my best friends is gorgeous, constantly has guys after her and is a borderline-nymphomaniac, and it makes for some nasty emotions.

That's why I have vowed to get the word out on AVED 2009. Come October the 12th, I am going to be doing my utmost to help with visibility and whatnot. I don't want anybody within my figurative reach to feel the way I sometimes do...

The way I am starting to feel everyday.

*When I say 'heteronormative, I mean it. My school's population is so small, the statistics for gay and bisexual people aren't enough for even one person put together. I'm just an anomaly, I guess.

**I'm sorry about using so many quotations, but the lesson really was one whole big cliche ):/

Squishzilla

2009-09-09T12:12:00.000-07:00

Recently -like many other ace bloggers- I've been thinking about Squishes.

Yes, that's right- Squishes, the asexual version of a crush.

For me (and I think many other asexuals) a squish is like the fledgling stages of a crush, or rather, a crush that a younger person may have.

Now, I'm not saying that asexuals are immature (Well, I can be, but that was always going to happen, asexuality or not), but that a squish is like a crush without the sexual tension. Sure, you are ridiculously happy whenever your victim -ahem, object of your affections- does anything to acknowledge you, and it may result in some hardcore Facebook stalking just like a regular crush, but there isn't the desire to do more than hug, hold hands and generally be intimate in a non-sexual way.

Now, to me.

I'm currently 'Squishin' majorly on someone- so majorly that it has become, in fact, Squishzilla.

But I have a teensy problem. He isn't asexual. Quite the opposite in fact, and he wouldn't understand asexuality if it was explained to him.

So... Say even if I was sexual, I would have a 10% chance of getting together with him.

Well, I have a less than 0.1% chance of getting together with him the way things are.

People that think that because asexuals don't have to 'worry' about sex, their lives are automatically easier, but... It's definitely not the case.

My Black Ring is Gone!

2009-09-04T07:21:00.000-07:00

As y'all now know, I am -or was- the proud owner of a black ring.

It being glass, it was only ever supposed to be temporary, but it looked awesome and now that it's snapped in two, it makes me sad. Wearing the ring was not only a symbol so that others aces I met on my travels (as if, in the WestCountry) could recognise me, it was also a symbol for myself.

It gave me confidence in myself whenever being different got me down, made me feel a part of something that buoyed me up when I needed it most. And now that feeling is gone.

For the moment, all I have is me- and the phantom ring that results from wearing it day in, day out. I feel like an amputee.

On the plus side, I get to look for an even nicer ring when I go shopping to Bristol tomorrow. Any store suggestions?

Hey There!

2009-08-28T01:50:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm part of the one-percent of the world who identify as asexual.

Since this is my blog's first post, I thought I'd get a little FAQ going.

Since I don't want people to generalize from my views on being ace, here's my pick of the best FAQs from the Student Room wiki page on asexuality- which is awesome.

"What is an asexual person?"

An asexual is a person who is not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender. Everyone has certain people they are not sexually attracted to – asexual people just find that everyone falls into this group. Other than that though, asexual people tend to be very varied.

Increasingly, an asexual person is often described as 'ase' or 'ace', like a homosexual person is often described as 'gay'.

"Does this mean that asexual people can’t form relationships?"

Certainly not – many asexual people want to be in close relationships. They are just as likely to form close friendships as any other person. Many asexuals also crave romantic relationships and are perfectly capable of crushing on people and falling in love.

There are certain asexuals who do not wish, for whatever reason, to form romantic relationships. Increasingly these people are defining themselves as aromantic or asexual-aromantic.

"So who do asexuals fall in love with?"

Some asexual people do have a gender preference for their relationships – an asexual may define themselves as homoromantic (wanting to be in a relationship with a member of the same gender), heteromantic (wanting to be in a relationship with a member of the opposite gender) or as biromantic (wanting to be in a relationship with a member of either gender). Some asexuals define themselves as aromantic, not wanting to be in a relationship with anyone at all, just as many straight, gay or bi people may not wish to be in a romantic relationship. Of course, some asexual people choose not to define as any of these groups, taking life as it comes. Some asexuals are also polyamorous.

So do asexual people only have relationships with other asexuals?

It is usually easier for asexual people to have relationships with each other, but it is unlikely. Most asexuals end up in relationships with people who are not asexual. Although this can cause problems in a relationship, with communication and determination, there is no reason why a relationship with an asexual is less fulfilling than a relationship with anybody else.

And here are a few other questions that I'll answer for you.

"Hey, you spelt sexy wrong..."

No I haven't! Being 'asexy' is the ace equivalent of being considered sexy.

To paraphrase (ahem, plagairise..) an Urban Dictionarite...

1.	asexy
	An adjective used to describe an asexual person showing intelligence, confidence, style, physical attractiveness, charming personality, baking skills, or any other combination of sufficiently positive and unique characteristics. DJ is one asexy amoeba. I hear he can bake a three-layer cake in thirty minutes flat.

'' Why do you keep mentioning aces, black rings and cake? It's weird!"

Thanks for asking that, imaginary Questioner. Since it's quite hard for asexuals to 'fit in' sometimes, there's an online community created with them in mind which quite a few people visit regularly.

This means that it's become quite the ace hub, and things that are popular over there are often seen as synonymous with the ace community.

Cake

This stems from the fact that some asexuals, when asked about sex, will say 'I'd rather have cake!' Cake is often given to new members of AVEN and is now seen as something of an asexual symbol on AVEN.

Aces

Just as 'gay' is an abbreviation for 'homosexual', 'ace' is an abbreviation for asexual.

And since it's a cool word, I tend to use it as much as I can.

Black Rings

Mostly recognized inside the ace community, and with a few people 'outside' recognizing what black rings are used for, they've become a symbol of asexuality. They are worn on the right middle finger. Some people wear them for themselves- reminding themselves of their identity and giving them confidence- whilst others wear them purely for recognition.